my heart is breaking

so tonight i had sent the girls to bed. i was watching a movie and knitting (and facebooking) when louisa came downstairs. she said that sophia was sad. i told her to have sophia come downstairs. it took a few times asking, but she finally came down. she was indeed crying. she came over to me, leaned her head against my shoulder and sobbed out, "i'm the chubbiest person in my family! sarah is thin. aunt dottie is thin. aunt colleen is thin. cassie is thin. i am the only chubby person in my whole family!" she went on to list her friends who are thin.

it brought back so many memories, in little flashes, of times when i felt down about my weight. i talked to her a bit, but it was obvious she was over-tired and just letting it all out. i told her to lie down on the couch (knowing full well she would promptly fall asleep, which she did).

now i wonder how to proceed from here. she really has a lot against here, genetics-wise. it's the lovely mcgrath genes. they are hard to battle. also, if she has pcos like i do, it could be a battle that she simply cannot win. i don't know when we can find out about that, but i watch her constantly and wonder. i think i need to get back into my exercise routine and have her join me, like it or not. once the adrenaline bug hits her, she might stick with it. it does not help that her dad is rail-thin and seems to think it's an easy thing to be... um, yeah. simple. exhole!

as i listen to her breathing, i pray that she will find a way to accept her body as the one God gave her, thin or not. I might also seek out someone with whom she might enjoy running or exercising. Gotta put some thought into that one.

in the meantime, i feel so bad for her. she is almost 11, heading straight into puberty and mean girls and body changes and pimples and being fat. ugh. God, give her strength and awareness that it's not about looks, but what is in her heart. and give me strength to continue to be the shoulder she cries on.

a knit wit...

so i have been knitting hats like crazy for a few days. i have made four, with two more already in progress. i seem to be able to make one in about 3 hours if i am uninterrupted (which is hard during the week). they are very portable, tho. i took my knitting bag to my doctor's appointment today. managed to get through quite a few rows before i was called back, and more once i had the little gown thingy on.

i have discovered i missed my knitting horribly. it really does reduce my stress level. although it was discovered today that i now have high blood pressure. i guess i need to knit more. lol

after posting pics of the hats, i was inundated with comments of adoration. guess i found a winner! i have even sold two hats and a pair of mittens already. not bad for a day's work! LOL

my plan, which is not set in stone, is to make 10 or so hats, then start in on mittens and/or purses. i need to build my stock back up. it was greatly depleted last christmas (which is an awesome thing). once i have a good amount of things made, i can start selling again at craft shows. i also take special orders, which i prefer, because then it's a guaranteed sale!!! yay! lol

a vent...

ok, on a related to health issue subject, i would like to vent. i love facebook...have already established that. when i was feeling crappy on monday, i posted as such. as things became more serious, i continued to post. then there was one reply that just stopped me in my tracks. this person said something like, "You really don't need to worry because they would never have sent you home if it was serious." Now, i am mis-quoting, i am sure. but that was the gist of it.

now, two reasons this stopped me short... first of all, it shows that the person posting does not seem to care that i am stressed out, only that THEY know better and would like me to shut up about it already. secondly, once upon a time, my niece was taken to the hospital with an unexplained illness. they sent her home and she died the next morning. so don't tell me that being sent home means there is no need for concern. ok?

this has happened before. i think this is often when you figure out who the real friends are. i was also suffering with a then-unexplained illness. by the time they figured out what was up, i was in the hospital and waiting for emergency surgery to get rid of a gall bladder that was FILLED with stones. i was in some intense pain and scared out of my mind. i had a 9 month old baby and two toddlers...not ready to face my own mortality.

a friend found out i had been in the hospital and called. when i told her what had happened, she said, "Oh, my aunt had that. you'll be fine." she then went on to turn change the subject to something about her. no acknowledgement of my feelings or that i had just been through some crap. nope.

i have never said anything to the friends i have mentioned, because i really don't see the value. some people are just like that. and if they read this, they would probably agree with me... "Man, friends like that suck!" without ever recognizing their own rude behavoir.

ok, done venting. you can go back to your regular lives now :D

health issues, update

i would love to say that they have figured everything out. unfortunately, i cannot. four days into this, i have had blood drawn 5 times and an iv... my arm is starting to resemble that of an iv drug user!

so far, they have ruled out: pulmonary embolism (or any blood clots anywhere); heart disease; lung issues. now they are on to gastro-intestinal issues. one of the things they are testing for is called h pylori. google it. who knew that so many of us live with this little bacteria in us all the time!

i still feel equally crappy. the drugs they gave me for the pleurisy did NOTHING. so they stopped those. now i am taking some really strong heart-burn type stuff. at least this time they had samples to give me. that other stuff i had to pay for, and now i don't even need it! grrr
is there a black market for that stuff??? LOL

my GED students have been great about my limited mobility. i had lots of them everyday. this group of about 8-10 students seem a bit more motivated than my previous crew. i'm so glad. i hate having to force it on them. i still have a fair amount of smart asses, but i don't mind. they keep things fun and interesting.

health issues

so yesterday, i woke up with some tightness in my chest. it was not like anything i have had before. i also had a bit of soreness in the same area. i did not put much thought into it, tho. i generally tend to ignore my own body's signals for too long.

after being at work for a bit, it occurred to me that chest pain, in general, is bad. so i decided to call the medical expert in my life ~ my mommy. i told her what i was feeling and asked for an opinion. she asked if i felt i needed to go to the er... i said no (i always say no). she said that if i did not feel better after work, then maybe i should go to the er.

i thought about it for a bit and decided to call my doctor. i got an appointment for yesterday afternoon. i can tell you now that they must have 'squeezed me in' because i waited for over 45 minutes. oh well.

so he did an exam, listened to my heart and such and suggested a few different possible things to check for. they did an eeg, which was normal. they also took blood. my doc felt that it was possibly one of three things: a pulmonary embolism; an infection of one of the membranes around my heart; pleurisy. fun, eh?

yeah, so he started me on meds for pleurisy. i went to the hospital for a chest x-ray. i am now waiting for a call from the same hospital that says i should come in for a cat scan. they, in turn, are waiting for approval from my insurance company. more fun...

in the meantime, i am at work because my boss is on vacation all week. i have not relayed any of this to him (via text) because i want him to enjoy his vacation and not think about work. hopefully i won't need to tell him anything. maybe it will all be resolved before he gets back. though, i gotta say, i feel like shit. i can't take a deep breath which makes me feel really tired.

facebook

people tease me all the time because of the amount of time i spend on facebook. i know it is an absurd amount. i admit it. freely! but i don't really have any desire to change it.

i spent a lot of my life feeling alone. lonesome. lonely. all by myself. a lot of it, or at least for a while, it was a self-imposed loneliness, caused by my complete lack of self-esteem. too afraid to ask for anyone's friendship. too timid to try and reach out. convinced i was less than others. so sad. so lonely.

here i am, now very strong, very self-confident (most days) and quite joyful about my life. and when i have those very rare moments where i start to feel alone, i can jump on FB and chat away, or read about what other people are doing, or just play games. whatever. but loneliness is really not on my horizon any more.

i am also amazed at who is a 'friend' of mine on FB... some of these people never seemed to have the time for me in high school or college. but they seemed so eager to 're-connect.' if you know me, you realize i am not one to hold a grudge (though i also don't forget). so if they wanna be my friend now, i'm okey-dokey with it.

a really cool side-effect of FB is discovering the things that i have in common with those i had not necessarily known that well. people who also have autistic children or who also love tattoos; other single parents or those who enjoy the same movies; people who love or hate president obama; those who adore pittsburgh and those who see it as a hole. i am learning so much from my time online and on FB.... why on earth would i want to stop?

when i first graduated from bethany, i used to sent letters to friends. i would spend hours writing to them, hoping to hear from them back. it would be weeks or longer before i would get updates and find out what people were up to. now i can find out almost instantly. i have found friends who had become 'lost' to me. i have re-connected with my very first (best) friend. and we can pick up right where we left off..... sharing memories and getting to know each other all over again.

ok, so my point is... don't bother telling me to cut back on my FB time. it's not gonna happen. yes, when i go away for a week, i am off of it... and i survive. but otherwise, you will see checking in all day, every day. because i like it! so there! ;)

the dentist

Louisa and Amelia have dentist appointments today. In the past, we have always gone to dr. griffin in Oakmont. Unfortunately, our insurance changed, so their dentist had to change. All three girls are on CHIP, so our choices were limited. Actually, we had no choices.

Mia is not too comfortable right now. We have yet to actually see anyone. We registered with our insurance info, and now we are in the waiting room. She just said, ‘I don’t feel too good about this, mom. What if it hurts?’ I tried to assure her that it is not going to hurt. It is just a cleaning. But this is my miabug. She knows what she knows. She has had dental work in the past: pulled teeth and cavaties. No way to snow her. And the poor thing inherited my teeth… too soft and full of little crevices that tend to attract cooties.

Louisa is just impatient. Her appointment was at 1:30. Right now, it is 1:45 and no one has spoken to us yet. I checked in with the receptionist, but apparently they are still not ready for us.

Mia just said, “I’m really not feeling good about this, mom. Bad feeling. Bad feeling.”

There is only one other child in the waiting room. Don’t quite know what the hold up is, but it is a teaching hospital, so I suppose it could be anything. On the way here, Louisa asked what it meant that it was a teaching hospital. I said that meant that the doctors and dentists there are mostly students, learning how to be doctors and dentists. In her mind, that was really cool. In my mind, I am thinking that they better know what the h--- they are doing!

Mia has her nose buried in a Highlights magazine. It reminds me of my days as a kid, waiting to see my doctor, reading Highlights. Have you looked at one lately? Not much has changed after all these years. There are still the hidden pictures and the Goofus/Galant cartoons. Pick one up sometime and enjoy the little voyage to your childhood....

tattoos

so my students and i are discussing tattoos today. i love tattoos. i have three. they really are addicting.

i got my first tattoo three years ago. i was spending a few days with my friend, kim, in upstate NY. so we ended up at a tattoo place...she to get a belly button ring. i had wanted a tattoo for years but could never get up the nerve. then i saw a huge display of designs and, on impulse, went for it.

at the time, lawrence and i were in complete turmoil. the marriage was heading south fast, and i was clinging hard to both my faith and an eternal hope that i would not end up divorced. so i chose a chinese character that (the guy said) meant "faithful." (i later went online and was able to verify that it did mean that, as opposed to 'stupid white woman gets tattoo') i got the tattoo above my right breast. it hardly hurt at all...

my next tattoo was one i thought long and hard about. i even came up with my own design. it was a cross with my girls' names in it. when i took the design to the tattoo artist, though, he said that the only way i could get that design was if he enlarged it HUGE so that the words would not bleed together... so i rethought my plan. i ended up with a celtic cross on my right shoulder.

my third tattoo also involved a trip to a tattoo place with a friend. dawn wanted a tattoo on her foot. i had seen designs online that i really liked called ambigrams. they are designs that have words going in both directions... i chose one that says 'faith' one way and 'hope' the other. it runs down my spine, next to the cross.

all three of my tattoos are about my jebus-ness. i consider them an outward expression of my internal feelings. i want more, too. tattoos really are addictive. i still want one that incorporates my daugthers' names. i also want one with my favorite bible verse: “Where your treasure lies, there will your heart be also” – Matthew 6:21

so that's the story with my tattoos. they are a big part of me.....you don't have to like them, but know that i do!!!

my faith

so i find myself surrounded lately by a lot of people who are not necessarily of the same mind as i am when it comes to christianity. having grown up in a sort of catholic-vacuum, it has taken me most of my life to come around to the idea that is ok that everyone does not think the same. it was not that long ago, believe it or not, that i was darn-near fundamental in my beliefs. but even that has changed with the introduction of a harsh reality, post-divorce. it is hard to be an idealist when reality is screaming at you, relentlessly.

as i discuss with those in my life, on facebook and in person, all issues jebus-related, i must control my impulse to fall back into old habits. once upon a time, i would jump on a soap box and start spouting Biblical truths (or at least what i thought to be such). that was sometime before i had children. is it not amazing what children do to your own beliefs?

now i am much more open-minded. do i care if you are gay? nope. do i mind spending time with those who are agnostic or athiestic? nah. will i debate religion? only if you want to.. i'm not looking for an argument here. we are who we are, all created in God's image, by God, for God and of God. the details are things each person is gonna have to work out when the day comes for them to end their time on earth and move on to the next life.

and i hope i don't offend with calling Jesus 'jebus.' it is because jay is always referring to me as his jebus-freak. if you have ever watched the Simpsons on Fox, then you know that Homer calls Jesus "jebus." i love the absolute lack of understanding that the word implies coupled with my undying passion. Makes it all the more joyful. I am a Christian. a joyful jebus freak!!!

gonna give this a try

first of all, i don't like to capitalize anything when i am typing. just a warning. if it annoys you. well.... it's my blog! LOL

i have started following a few friends on their blogs, and thought it would be nice to have a journal like that to look back on and such. i used to keep journals a million years ago, but i have never enjoyed writing things out long-hand. so this might be the way to go.

what will my blog be about? i suppose it will be a combination of rants and raves from my life. from work. from home. from life. from love. you get it, right?