time is flying by....

i can't believe it has been over a month since i last posted. i guess that is what happens when life gets busy. *sigh* today is thanksgiving monday, or cyber monday as the retailers of the world would like to call it. why must they push so hard for those of us with so little to spend more? i know the answer...it was a rhetorical question. it is frustrating, though. having survived retail, i have little patience for it any more.

yes, i did go shopping on black friday. i was not necessarily looking to spend money, but i did. i found a good deal on a wii and all the necessary accessories. that is the #1 item that is being hoped for in my house right now for christmas. (mia's wish, actually) since we found a deal, i had to go ahead and make the purchase. i should note, however, that my purchase was made in the afternoon, long after all the door-buster deals were long-gone. i cannot imagine spending all night, waiting in line to spend money. i have been told it is worth it, but i simply have not found the motivation or need to do so as of yet.

oh, and i made another purchase this weekend. i am now the owner (i can't say i'm a proud owner..it's not like i created this with my own two hands) of an iphone. i did not expect to buy one any time soon. tom kept saying he was going to get one for me. then the unexpected happened...my phone died. i had an lg vu. it was a good phone...pretty fancy with a touch screen and even a built in tv. however, it did not survive an encounter with water, so i had to replace it.

so tom and i visited the att store on saturday. i was planning to purchase a cheap $29.99 phone and moving on. i even thought about cutting some things in my plan... then we saw a special in the store. the iphones were being offered for only $99!!! these phones go for $299-$499 normally, so this was another deal i could not pass up. initially, i was told that i could not upgrade yet, as my contract was not to that point. but i had been tossing around the idea of getting mia a phone, as she is the age sophia was when she got one.

so the decision was made to add a line, get myself an iphone and give mia the phone tom had loaned me. she is going to be thrilled!!!! i will wrap that up for her christmas stocking. i already gave the phone number to grandma. i should ask her to call her while it is still wrapped LOL

happy friday

as always, i love fridays. my job is especially enjoyable on fridays. although i often have impromptu visits with students old and new, i do not have class on fridays so i am often alone. this might seem quite boring or lonesome to some people, but this is 'my' time. i love that i can put my music on (no one here seems to like my music *pout*) and enjoy the peace.

last friday was not a quiet, peaceful one. last friday, my boss' supervisor came in, unexpected, and informed us both that his (my boss) hours have been cut. it would seem that there was a reduction in our funding from the county and she has chosen to reflect that reduction by reducing my boss' hours.

it was a shock to us both. honestly, i would have thought i would be the one to have hours cut, as i am lower man on the totem pole. but that is not how it happened. i am the remaining full-time person. yes, the only one. and when he leaves (which he is working on doing as soon as he has a new full-time job) i will be the only person here, full-time or otherwise. *sigh* i imagine when that happens, i might not be so fond of my quiet, alone fridays. i imagine i will miss having someone to talk to at all.

so, for now, i will enjoy that my quiet fridays are rare times for me to enjoy some peace. i have a stack of notebooks next to me that i need to read through. they each contain essays that my students have written. i, being an evil teacher, require them to write essays to me every day. for those who are fairly good at writing, it is not a big deal. however, the majority of my students struggle in this area (which would be WHY i require essays daily) and they almost flinch when they hand me their notebooks. if essay-writing was not on the GED, i would not require it. honest. (i don't think they believe that, though...i'm pretty sure they are convinced i like torturing them this way).

so back to my original thought...happy friday. this friday is the beginning of a kid-free weekend for me, so it is especially happy. i get to spend the whole weekend with tom. my sweetie. have i mentioned i love him? i don't think i have said that on here yet, but i do. we have a connection like nothing i have ever had before.

again, happy friday friends. i hope you manage to find joy in your journey today and always <3

lazy saturday mornings

today, for the first time in a very long time, the girls and i are sitting around in our pjs. we are not rushing to get dressed. we are not in a hurry to 'be' anywhere. yes, we do have plans a bit later on, but right now we are just enjoying a morning of nothing.

louisa is playing a game on the computer. not sure what it is, but she seems enthralled. sophia is playing her ds. she has been working hard on a naruto game that seems to thwart her after long bouts of almost winning. i am impressed she does not give up! mia is playing her ds and watching the big bang theory.

a few minutes ago, mia suggested a 'big bang day.' if you have not watched the big bang theory, then you might not appreciate what this means. but we love the show. LOVE it. the humor is silly and intellectual at the same time. we will not get to do a marathon of big bang today, but i think it is a lovely idea. perhaps halloween would be a good marathon day!

at noon, tom will be here to pick us up. we are going to go watch my friend, karen, sing with her sweet adeline group. i have heard her talk about them for years and am so excited to finally have a chance to see her perform. i am not sure how the girls will do, but we will take their ds' with us, also. that way they will have a distraction option, should boredom creep into the mixture. (on mute, of course)

so that is our lazy saturday so far. after the miserable day at work i had, i needed this. i hope you all enjoy your saturday, too.

irony

ok, here i am, not even a month since i rant on being single.....and i have found someone. yes, i have. seriously.

i decided to give 'plentyoffish.com' a try. i don't know why. i had tried a few other online options before and they never quite worked out. this time, though, things seem to be heading in a very good direction.

so, his name is tom. he's 45. divorced. lives 10 minutes from me. one son in college. what else do you need to know? um...yes, he has a job. yes, he has a car. he is very attentive and romantic. it's alllllll good!

our first date involved dinner at the outback steakhouse (where the waiter flirted with me and tom joked that it would be a bummer of a first date if i had left with the waiter) followed by a trip to sarris candy. now, i have never been there, but i knew that they make the very best chocolate covered pretzels on the planet. not kidding. heavenly.

my next thing i will ponder is what to do with all of these 'friends' who don't seem to understand what this means. some are yelling at me that i am going too fast. some seem to think i need to stay single longer. i say that things happen when god thinks they should and that's all that matters to me.

a bit of a rant, whine or otherwise purging of thoughts....

so as i ponder my current status as a single female, i find myself feeling a mixture of emotions. i am so very blessed with three fantastic daughters. i cannot imagine wanting or needing more in my life than those lovely people. that being said, i will not have little girls forever. at some point, they are going to grow up, move out and have their own lives (i hope!) at which time i really don't want to be alone.

i have always thought i function better as half of couple than as an individual. i don't know that everyone feels that way. it is how i feel, though.

according to those whom i have dated recently, i am a wonderful woman. now, i happen to think so too, but it's always nice to hear that from others. but it also leaves me to ponder... if i am wonderful, then why am i alone?

in an attempt to get an answer, i asked a dear friend, who is also a former flame. his advice? quit looking. he said that the moment i quit looking, what i am supposed to find (or who i am supposed to find) will appear. as an incredibly impatient person, this is not the answer i wanted. however, as an intelligent and experienced person, it is exactly the answer i needed to hear.

so thank you, craig. you have helped me more than you will ever know. i shall stop looking. i shall let God guide me to that whom he has in mind for me. and i will stop pondering those things for which i am not meant to have an answer.

and i bet i'll sleep better too! ;)

my birthday

so my 39th birthday was yesterday. i had a very nice weekend. i won't go into details about how it was spent, but i will reflect a bit on what it means to turn 39....

i suppose i had imagined my life a bit differently as far as how it would be when i turned 39. i certainly never thought i would be single, or divorced, for that matter. i did not imagine i would be renting where i live. i had imagined living in a house, with my family. i had imagined that i would have kids and that i would be taking care of those kids.

well, i have kids, and i do my best to care for them. but i am not at home with them. i work. a lot. i work 8-4:30 at one job, then evenings for my second job. oh, and the knitting. don't forget the knitting.

i never imagined i would have my children walk home from school and be latch-key kids. i never imagined i'd live paycheck to paycheck. i never imagined i'd spend so much time trying to figure out 1) what we'd eat 2)how to feed kids when the checking account is empty 3)how we'll survive til i get paid again.

i also never imagined i would be so strong. my personality has changed and developed and evolved a lot over the past few years. something good comes out of everything...i truly believe that. i suppose my own strength and self-esteem is what has evolved from my divorce. i also hope my girls find that it helps them to be self-sufficient. i hope that they never find themselves helpless and dependent upon a man, or anyone, for that matter.

all these things having been said, i do not have regrets. everything that has happened, happened for a reason. i am beyond blessed. my faith is still strong, if not stronger. my joy is still continual. and my girls are who i need, more than anything, in my life.

In rememberance of September 11th...

I posted as my status on Facebook the following:

Kathleen S. McGrath is remembering the tragedies of 8 years ago. 9-11-01/9-11-09 ---that they will never be forgotten. where were you when you heard? leave me your story.

I was over-whelmed with the responses. I promised I would not let what people shared be forgotten, so here are the stories...

"I was at work in Sharpsburg when I heard the news, Our boss said we could go home or stay there but he would suggest staying at work where everyone could stick together. I stayed but when I left for home there were hardly any cars on the road and no planes except for one jet flying sky high and above, I was worried about where all my kids were and I knew my husband was okay because he called me, He was actually really close to the Flight 93 crash- he worked in Latrobe at the time. My one son was in Pittsburgh and had a heck of a time getting out to come home, the other 3 were around here. The scenes from tv especially of the people jumping will forever remain in my mind, especially the one man who was way up and he kept looking out the window and looking back into the building as if he did not know what to do and their was only one option for him to take - thank God they did not show it. Terrible, Terrible day, first time I ever felt so vulneralble (sp) living in the States." - Dee Clark

"I lived in North Carolina, Greensboro. I was on my way to work and I had heard about it for the first time, that was when the second plane had crashed into the Twin Towers. Not long after I arrived to work I got a phone call from a co-worker stating that another plane had just crashed in Pittsburgh. It was awful! - Barbara J Johnson Wagoner

"I was in Columbus GA, Jenna and Sarah were just little babies. Max was going to a school there at Ft. Benning. I actually heard the news on Ivillage first and turned the t.v on real fast. I called my sister and we just watched together. I was terrified because for some reason I didn't think Max would come home to us that day, they were on lockdown at the base and I wanted him home with us. I was so happy when he finally walked into the door that evening. I will never forget the look on his face either because he knew that he would go to war over this. It was such a scary time for me and such a horrible time in our countries history.Remembering all the precious lives lost that day and our military men and women as well. - Holly Patkowski

"working at a daycare in penn hills, my boss's husband called and said "they flew a plane into the towers". Then he hung up. We got a tv and started watching the tragedy....how horrible....i had family that worked in the 2nd, but thank God, she wasn't there that day!!!! So many lives lost....prayers to all the families!!!! - Denise Scherrah

"Caitlyn had just turned 1 and we were living in Fort Drum, NY. My sister Sherry called and told me to turn on the TV. I thought for sure, it was an accident... then Cloyd called me from Egypt, and knew it was serious, it was terrorism. Then the second plane hit, and I knew there was no doubt. It is a day in my life that I will never forget. I didn't know if I should stay at the base or drive back to Pittsburgh, but Cloyd wanted me to stay on the base, we had security... felt we'd be safer there. - Camlie Chavez Smith

"I was at work, clowning around with a co-worker when Heather called me and told me to watch the news. We were stunned. I sat on the counter and watched as the 2nd tower was hit. My first thought was "Oh my God." I had a friend who's son was a chef at the top of one of the towers. I made frantic calls to see if he was okay. It was pure luck that he had taken that week of for vacation and was safe in bed at his parents house!" - Brenda Schimmel Underdown

"I was working silver springs maryland when I heard it over the radio. My first stop was to Circuit city to watch it on TV. My first few call were to Jenn, whos husband is a NYC ppolice office and Christy who working in NYC. Everyone was fine there. Working so close to DC I kept getting phone calls from friends and family. After the pittsburgh flight went down. All reps within 50 mile radius of NYC and Washingtotn DC were to go home. I spent the rest of the day wacthing on TV and praying with friends." - Tracy Stasik

"at school and they wouldn't let us turn on the tv's or talk about with the students. It was terrible...everyone had heard something but we could not talk about it." - Karen Beebe

"Just getting my coffee watching the news, one of the worst moments I've ever had. I can't believe the conflict is still going on." -Bonnie Campbell Bergenheier

"It was Jeremiah's 1st day of preschool at St. I's. He was crying and didn't want me to leave and the new teacher (who quit after that day) wanted me to stay. I was pregnant, bleeding and sick (and no one knew I was pregnant) and spent the morning crouched down leaning against a wall. My whole family was coming after school so we could go to Casey's to celebrate J's 1st day. They told me when the picked "us" up. I wasn't getting it. I was like - what do you mean the towers aren't there anymore. Rich's cousin was working in the towers, and my cousin was working across the street.Found out pretty quickly that my cousin was ok - got to work late so didn't get her latte in the towers that day. We spent lunch at Casey's calling around to see if Rich's cousin was ok trying not to scare the kids. It took hours, and his parents were frantic of course, but we finally found out that he made it out - luckily he ignored the announcement to go back to the office and kept running down the stairs. " - Regina Vitti Lyons

"Arne and I were living in St Louis, we were on our way to drop my car off for repairs, when I heard it on the car radio. We went ahead and took the car to the shop, then Arne drove me to work, where everyone was glued to the TVs and watching as the second tower fell. I sat in my little cubbie and worked on entering data into a computer all day, I just couldn't process the horrible tragedy yet. At the end of the day we drove to Arne's parents house and had dinner with them and talked and prayed." - Donna D. Schmidt

"It was Riley's first day of preschool. I didn't even turn the TV on that morning. We made a big breakfast and he was SO excited. I dropped him off and went to my friends house to cry about it and she opened the door she told me what was going on (in very dramatic fashion - "WE ARE AT WAR!" I walked in and looked at her TV right as they were showing the second plane hit." - Stephani Wallen Brown

"I was still working at the newspaper as an editor at the time. I actually wrote about my experience in my column that week. I re-posted it on my blog today, if you want to read it. (www.rootsandwings3.blogspot.com). Such an awful day. How easily I can go back to the emotions of that day." - Diann Devart

"I was driving over the hill to Walmart in Norwich, the first time I'd left my kids with a sitter since we'd moved to upstate NY, at first I thought it was just a terrible plane accident then the greeter at Walmart told me about the second plane and I turned right around and went home to be with my babies." - Kim Harding

"jim and i were headed to morgantown, talking about the trip to ca and back. we had just taken, bickering over whether we should have bought something we saw in new mexico. nothing had hit the radio yet. i called ella to see if she wanted to meet for lunch, and se told me what was happening. we got to her place in time to see the second plane hit and to hear about the 3rd. it's kind of laughable, really, the things we hold onto from childhood, 'cause all i could think of were memories of the nuns telling us to get under the desk in the event of a nuclear strike. then, i thought how spoiled and lucky we all were; so many people around the world experience terrifying and destructive events every day. then panic about the 3rd plane and moiya being in pgh with exhole kicked in and i don't remember much more after that. and i remember blurred days afterwards of pride in how well we were actually finally uniting as a people and waiting for the next one to hit." - Rose McTier

"We were woken up early by a neighbour roaring down the road on his Harley and I was griping to Mike about how I was so sick of him doing that and waking up the whole neighbourhood, I was going to call the cops and blah blah blah. We went down and turned on WGN news together since he was on vacation that week for his birthday and saw the 1st tower after the plane hit. I told Mike this wasn't an accident...this was a terrorist attack. We saw the 2nd plane hit. We were glued to the news all day, crying. The boys were only 3 and 2, so we tried to keep them in another room, watching shows of their own, but I know they knew something was wrong. Never did call the police on the neighbour...I realized that was an awfully small problem compared to what we, as a nation, were dealing with that day." - Paula Hiltunen Klatt Morris

"I was just turning into work when they said it on the radio. They were like 'we don't know if this is serious or not, might just be a bad accident'. Right then, the 2nd plane hit & the dj's must have been watching on tv because they started freaking out. I walked into work 2 minutes later & everyone was trying to get the internet to open up ANY news site. The only thing we could finally open was BBC. We had a couple tv's in the office & everyone was trying to crowd around them. The bosses told us to go back to work, but there was little work that got done. When I got home that afternoon, I spent hours just re-watching it all while I held my babies." - Vicki Wenndt Bonilla

"Because we live in Colorado, Warren's call with the news woke me up that morning. I got the kids up and drove over to my sister-in-law's to watch it on the TV there, and I remember thinking it felt like it was a movie, like descriptions of the War of the Worlds broadcast, only in reverse. It took me a day to realize all the people I knew in NY and PA that I wasn't in touch with at the time, that I might never know about. Warren was called to duty at DIA almost immediately, our first family experience with any kind of deployment as he had only joined the National Guard in February!" - Beth Coleman Baker

"On my way to the gym. My mom called on the cell and said "a plane flew into the Trade center twice." I didn't quite know how that was possible. But, when I got to the gym I saw it on the news. Geez." - Aimee Richards

"I was unemployed at the time, sitting in my office working on resumes and such, had the TV on and watched it all happen live...it was surreal. The first plane hit and I thought it was simply an accident, and then the second plane hit and I knew something was gravely wrong. I called the hubby at work right away -- it was so frightening. And then I sat on pins and needles waiting to hear about the flight in PA -- especially with family living there. My one girlfriend and I decided to spend the day together because we were so shook up. I will never ever forget watching it all unfold." - Dawn Steinmetz Broadway

"I watched it on the Today show. My mom came to watch Celaine while I went to work. I didn't know whether or not to go. I called Dean in Las Vegas (at a trade show) and woke him up with the news. He couldn't fly home and was stuck in Vegas. They never returned their rental car and drove it all the way home." Catherine Gandziarski Hornsby

"I had just arrived at work and my boss had his tv on in the other room. I heard him scream out some expletive , but I was working so didn't pay much attention. After the second plane hit, he sent me home because Britt was home from school sick and he didn't think she should be alone. What a devastating day, but in the days ahead we saw what a great nation we live in...everyone working together and the President handling it to keep us safe. The months after that were hard for me, too, with all of the news about the terrorists and how they work...the mujahedeen and the Taliban. Osama bin Laden and all the others. It was a very frightening time in our history and I was terrified that they would come here and harm us again. By God's grace they haven't done it again on our soil." Maryellen Connors Soell

"I had just dropped our oldest at kindergarten and came home and flipped on the tv as they were saying there had been an accident at the world trade center. I watched the second plane hit. My husband came home early so we could both pick up our daughter and explain what had happened. However, her teachers had already told her class!My hardest day came a year later. My husband was in Kenya during the first anniversary. I watched a show about the widows who now had babies and it hit me that our son was born right in the middle of them: March of 2002. I cried buckets and wanted my husband home." - Janice Burns-Watson

"Had gotten home the night before from Cancun with Karl. Went to work. Secretary at school came to my classroom with message from Karl, letting me know he was OK, but that was in basement of his building in DC and had no way home bc DC shut down the metro. Also for me to call one of our friends at work to let her know that her fiance - now hubby - was Ok. He was doing a CISCO class in NYC and had to get out across the bridge. He stopped at a WiFi cafe and sent Karl a message to tell Cherie. I finally got her and she cried and cried when she found out he was OK. Kids at school were stuck there bc many parents were military or important government workers on lock-down. One girl whose parents were Army guard at the White House, went home with a VP. One of Karl's coworkers drove him to the metro station to get his car after waiting in DC for hours. I still can't bring myself to watch the "specials" replaying the footage. Seeing the first time was so horrific." - Denise Snyder Radaker

"I was in Lowes heard the employees chattering amongst themselves...something caught my attention - I can't remember now what it was - I stopped and asked what was going on. They told me about the towers and the pentagon and also said the sears tower, thankfully that was not true. I was just like humpf! No one would be so stupid as to fly a fuckin' plane into the pentagon, and dismissed it as some web scam or something. But as I wandered around the store, the possibility of it and magnitude of what if it were true started to sink in. So I went out to the car and turned on the radio. I was stunned and overwhelmed. I was actually staying with my ex for a few days as it was my daughter's first week of school and I wanted to be there as much as I could. I left the parking lot still listening to the news over and over I completely missed the first two turns to take me back to his house, and it ended up taking me an extra 40 minutes! By the time I got there I had worked myself into a complete mess thinking if they could fly a plane into the pentagon they could have someone in very public building in America waiting for the signal to wreak havoc everywhere. When I got back to the house my ex wasn't there, I couldn't get him on the phone or any of our friends, I couldn't get his tv to work and it took what seemed forever to find a radio station that worked in the wooded valley where he lived. I was so terrified that there were terrorists in the schools and I couldn't get through on the phone, while the radio was saying that all the schools were in lockdown - noone coming in noone going out. I remember being feeling lost and utterly helpless and completely *terrified* and, oddly, finding the irony of being terrified by those called terrorists. The impact of that word has never left me. The following year on the anniversary I was so disturbed that everything was opened...people were just going on about their lives as though all was ok, as though one year we hadn't all been changed forever. There I was waiting tables, while the guests laughed and talked business and lamented their lives and all I could think about was all the people lost the people at work the firefighters and policemen. And now here I am 8 years later thinking the same thoughts while everyone continues life...worrying laughing ... Read Morewondering working talking and I still wonder how on this day we manage to function as though it holds little significance or as though it were something better left to memory and unspoken. Thanks to all who wrote here." - Stephenie Redden Stevens

"Alexa had been born exactly 2 weeks before. I was nursing her when Jeff's brother called him to ask if it was possible for a plane to not miss the WTC and crash into it. So, we turned on the TV and watched in horror with tons of post-pregnancy hormones racing through me, wondering what the hell kind of world I had just brought this innocent baby girl into." - Amy J Vaccaro

"I walked to work that beautiful day. When I got there an older co-worker that always had a story told me that a plane had hit the WTC. I thought it was a little plane-just an accident. Then we started listening to the radio and it got so much worse. We had hardly any customers that morning and we all just sat there listening. Westwood has a commuter train that goes into NYC every day. Some of the people that took that train never came home. My town has a memorial to those 5 people now. I will never forget how in the following days every friend you met gave you a hug and asked if you and your family were okay. We asked each other that. It was all we could do. Several days later John was outside washing the car and I was nearby keeping him company. I remember standing there under the clear sky and for the first time in my life I didn't feel safe. So I asked John, "Are you scared?" Now John was a Navy corpsman. He's trained to crawl into combat and stick IV's into people. He's tough as nails. But when I asked him that day if he was afraid he said, "Yes. I am." I will never forget that."- Dorothy D'Amato Lagrimas

"I was driving into the office in downtown Clearwater when I heard about the first plane on the radio. Some of the folks in the outer ring of offices had radios so as news came in they were relaying it down the hall. Shortly after the 2nd plane hit the Big Boss came around and sent everyone home as there was a Social Security office in the building next door and they didn't know if government offices would be the next target. I also remember being sick w/ a cold/flu the rest of the week and pretty much watching the news non-stop. To some extent I think I stayed sick so long to give me time to internalize my feelings of fear and anger and not have to deal w/ them openly w/ an office full of people.Interesting as I hadn't really given that much thought until tonight. Thanks Kath!!" - Randy Clark

"I was living in northern NJ a few miles from NYC. I was on the phone with my wedding florist who let out a cry, "OMG...a plane just crashed into one of the twin towers...you have to turn on your TV." We watched in horror as the second plane crashed. Later that day, while driving for my final dress fitting, I watched the smoke pouring into the sky just a few miles away. I continue to pray for all the families whose lives were affected by tragedy on 9/11/2001." - Holly Arose Koch

"I was liiving NYC and walking to work. It was such a beautiful morning and I remember walking down 2nd avenue and firetruck after firetruck was racing past me. I couldn't image what was going on, until I got into the office and they announced that a "small plane" it the WTC. Eventually we watched the fall of the towers in a large conference room. I was on the phone with Angie who was supposed to come up for the weekend, and also my boyfriend who was telling me to get the hell out of work. They eventually evacuated our building because at the time no one really knew what was happening to the City. I went back to my apt, so nervous. The phones were out, cell towers were out and all that you could do was watch the events on TV. Out of nervousness I cleaned the entire apt. from floor to ceiling because I didn't know what to do with myself. Around 9pm that night my mom got through on the phone. As soon as I hear her crying because she had no idea where or how I was, it really hit me." - Tracey Freshwater

after those were written, i added my own:

"thank you so much, all of you. if it is ok, i'm going to combine all of these into one post to my blog this week. if you don't want to be included, just shoot me a message and i'll leave you off. no worries.as for me, i was running a day care out of my home at the time. louisa was not even a month old yet, sophia was 3, mia was 2. i also had 3 other kids there. i was busy feeing, changing and fussing about. did not even have the tv on. finally sat down at the computer to check email and there was one from lawrence telling me that he had just heard the news about ny. i had no clue what he was talking about, so i turned on the tv... from there, i could not turn away. i was frozen. the kids, somehow, were okay with me in a bizarre trance. i have never felt so afraid. i called lawrence and begged him to come home. he couldn't. then my brother, bill, called. he knew i'd be freaking. he was just leaving work. as soon as he heard my voice, he said he'd be over. then my sister called from texas. she was upset because the news there reported that a plane had crashed in pittsburgh and she could not get hold of our parents. they had been on a visit to ohio and were driving home. so i called my mom's cell, and she had just heard the news on the radio. they ended up at my house too. i also watched a couple school kids, and my niece and nephew came to my house after school...so by the afternoon, my house was full. i remember feeling so aware of how much i needed to be with those i loved. we also had a full day of worrying about friends and family who lived/worked in manhatten. and i remember all the posts online of people begging for information about friends/family who worked in the towers...again, thank you friends. if you are just coming across this and want to add your story, please feel free. i think this is good for us to remember that we really are all in this together. ♥ "

after that, my friend maryellen added this:

"Kath, I can picture everyone holed up in your old house, all warm and cozy, holding each other up in the tragedy. Your family is like that. Very wonderful to behold. There was a service at St. Thomas that night...Britt and I were acolytes and it was the most somber church service I ever attended. Definitely a day that stays in your memory. ... Read MoreFear was my most obvious emotion that day and uncertainty for my child's future. After all, if they could come to NYC and create chaos, then they could go to any city. I lived in fear for months after that. It is when my insomnia began. And it makes me sad and angry that they made my child's life so different. She was 9 when it happened and she doesn't have much memory before that, only bits and pieces. But her life since then has been tainted by security and "Terrorist Threat Levels." They changed our lives that day in America and our children are more wary than they should need to be at their ages. Sad."

in spite of the fear and sadness, i still believe that God can redeem absolutely anything. even 9/11.

why i love my job

my job is to prepare out-of-school youth (the politically correct way of saying 'drop outs')to take the GED. we spend most of our class time working on math, language arts and writing essays. my students are not what most people would consider to be 'the cream of the crop.' some of them are drop-outs because of problems with the law. some of them have never had a single adult show them concern. i had an interesting conversation with one who said he never went to school because his parents did not care if he went. another student told me that when he was 12, he went to kennywood with some friends. when he came home, his mom had moved away. he was completely alone. can you imagine? half of my female students either have kids or are expecting. these kids do not have it easy. yeah, some are just lazy. but even they are trying to do better.

so today, i decided to change things up a bit and i showed them a movie. we watched "Good Will Hunting." i could never have shown that movie in a 'real' high school because every other word is 'fuck.' but i showed it to my kids. at first, they were kind of skeptical. but after a few minutes, they were drawn in. the story of will hunting... an abused kid who has amazing mathematical abilities. in the end, will has to choose between staying with his old life and his friends or following the only person who has ever truly loved him.

i asked the students to write an essay after the movie. they had to tell me if they would have made the same choice that will made. they also had to explain why. i wish i could post their answers..all of them. these kids are amazing. so honest. and it's not just what they said, but that they really understood the situation and were able to talk about the choice as if it were theirs. and i could tell just how open and honest they were being to me.

those honest kids. those trusting, honest kids. they come to my classroom every day. they didn't do that in high school. they gave up on that nonsense, because their parents and teachers gave up on them. but they don't give up on me. and there is no way in hell i am giving up on them.

yup, i love my job.

One Sweet Day-Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared

And I miss the love we shared
And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzeMzo_4pxA

So many young people around me are dealing with the untimely death of loved ones. When my niece, Ranie, died at the age of 3, this song brought me great comfort. I want to hold those around me who are filled with pain and play this song. The day will come again, when they will be with those loved ones and all the grief will be gone.

president obama is going to address the school kids tomorrow

this has been part of a hot debate on facebook, as well as all over. i have tried to give my two cents without stressing too much, but it really is getting to me. i mean, i am not 'stressed' over it, but it is upsetting.

my kids are smart. really. yes, i am a bit biased, but i also have the iq tests to prove it, ok? and i am always talking about things with them. they know they can ask anything, and i will do my best to answer their questions. we have discussed my job a lot. and they will tell you that there is NO WAY that they will ever drop out of school. to them, it is not even an option.

but i have a classroom full of students who must not get that message at home. i have no idea what message they get or got, but it was definitely not, "stay in school, work hard, do your best, make something of yourself" and that is why i now have them in my classroom. they did not stay in school. they did not work hard. they did not do their best. they did not make something of themselves. yes, they are trying to fix that all now, but imagine how much easier it would have been, had they chosen a different path.

why is it so awful for the president to address our students??? i realize that many 'right wing' conservatives believe he is going to try and sell his health care agenda to our kids. um... really? do you think they would sit still for that?? as it is, most kids don't have the attention span for a speech, let alone a speech about health care. uh uh.

no, i think it is more a case of people who simply stand against anything and everything president obama tries to do. the man could find a cure for cancer, and i imagine there are those who would refuse the treatment because it is from him. cut off your nose to spite your face. knwo that saying? that's what they are doing...they are sending a message to their kids, that the president is not to be listened to, to prove they are in control. and in 20 years, when their kids don't care who runs, i wonder if the parents will remember sending that messgae. probably not.

because life isn't interesting enough...

it just keeps getting better! yesterday, the school nurse called. now, if you have kids, you know this is NEVER a good thing. school nurses don't call to chat. nor do they call to tell you how awesome your kids are. no, they generally call because something is wrong with at least one of your children, and most of the time they want you to come get them.

so the nurse called. she said that sophia had a sore on her leg. she had checked it the day before, and put antibiotic ointment on it (i knew nothing about it) but that it actually looked worse today. she said, "She really needs to see a doctor. It could be MRSA" Translation...come get your kid! i was having one of those "i cannot leave work" kind of days. so i made all kinds of phone calls and finally made arrangements for a 3pm appointment.

i have to admit that the wound looked foul. bleck. yes, that is a picture of it. the sore itself was about the size of a dime. and the infection area was spreading...it was about 3" in diameter and hot to the touch.

so i got her to the doctor. she was very concerned about what they would do to her. after assuring her that they would simply cut her leg off at the knee (yes, i said it and she laughed a lot!), she felt better. eventually, the pediatrician poked and squeezed it until she was able to collect some of the pus/gunk inside. that will be tested for staph/mrsa. in the meantime, she also has oral antibiotics to take 2 times a day and an antibiotic ointment 3 times a day. they do not play around with this stuff!

so that was yesterday's drama. not horrible, but enough to wear me out. it also made me think about how, as a mom-to-be, i never could have imagined all the things that 'come up' with kids. it really is ALWAYS SOMETHING. and with more kids, the amount of somethings increases exponentially. yikes!

so, he dumped me...

i suppose that is harsh. he broke up with me? he said i could do better.... said i give so much and he does not deserve it. i dunno what to say. so i was loving someone beneath me? excuse me if i don't agree.

here's the rub. i can't fight for him. i can't. i fought for 5 years for a marriage that died. i don't fight. it hurts too damn much.

all i want is to be someone's priority. i want someone to want to be with me. but i come with so much baggage. i know that. i am not easy to love.

i can't say that i blame him. it just reinforces all the negative things i secretly believe about myself. *sigh*

on my mind....

so my mommy is going to have to have surgery. now, you may wonder about a person, me, who is almost 40, still calling my mother, 'mommy.' but she is my mommy. she is absolutely my heart. and it is kinda scaring me a bit to think that she is mortal. yeah, total denial.

my mom has been dealing with spinal stenosis for years. but it has become quite debilitating. she can barely stand or walk now. it causes her a great deal of pain and her lower legs and feet are numb most of the time. surgery is going to be the only option to give her mobility back.

she has an appointment tomorrow with the neurosurgeon. i will find out after that when she will be having the surgery. it is a matter of practicality for me in one way, as she has been my childcare for a while. when she is in the hospital and after i will need different child care. but besides that, this is my MOMMY we are talking about! i talk to her every day. do you understand? every. day. period. everyday. seriously. so all this reality in my face right now is just not appreciated. i would much prefer to believe that she is going to live forever. or at least as long as i live. *sigh*

so please please please say some prayers for my mommy. ok? i need her to be ok, as i am sure she and my dad do too.

blogging

i suppose one of the ironies of this blog is that there are many times i think of things i want to write about, but have no access to my computer. then there are other times when i am stuck here, in front of the blasted thing for hours, and my mind goes blank. yup. ironic...

i could blog about our girls' weekend in michigan (which was lovely, thank you) or about the progress i am making with the hats (i have a dozen made) or about the trials and tribulations of single mom-dom (that would take years). decisions, decisions...

instead, i would like to blog a bit about music. everyone i know has their own unique taste in music. they might share some favorites with others, but everyone has their own quirky things that they adore for no explanable reason what so ever. don't we? and we also usually have those songs that we REALLY love, but that we NEVER admit are our favs... those guilty pleasures.

i have a fairly tame taste in music. i love 80s music. love pop. love dance stuff that makes me want to move... i love alternative stuff from the 80s...not so much from today. though i can really get into a good Breaking Benjamin song. unlike many of my friends, though, i do not like the hairbands from 'back in the day' and i can't stand what i call 'screaming music'.... my ex loved that stuff. bleck.

i can also appreciate classical music, show tunes, classical country (nothing too twangy tho) and even some hip hop and rap. one of my absolute current favs is john legend. the man has a voice that truly inspires and moves me. i can feel the emotion in his songs. and yet i have many friends who just roll their eyes or out-right tell me they can't stand him. to each their own, i guess.

one of the best things i have found to enjoy music during the day is pandora. if you have not yet discovered it... go to pandora.com .... you can create your own music station by listing either your favorite songs or favorite artists. then they play other artists and songs of the same 'type.' it's great. (it helps to have more than one account, though... they cut you off after 40 hours/month)

so what about you? what do you listen to? are there things you love that no one else will listen to? are there artists that you secretly adore but would never say so to anyone you know? know what? it's ok. we all do :D

my heart is breaking

so tonight i had sent the girls to bed. i was watching a movie and knitting (and facebooking) when louisa came downstairs. she said that sophia was sad. i told her to have sophia come downstairs. it took a few times asking, but she finally came down. she was indeed crying. she came over to me, leaned her head against my shoulder and sobbed out, "i'm the chubbiest person in my family! sarah is thin. aunt dottie is thin. aunt colleen is thin. cassie is thin. i am the only chubby person in my whole family!" she went on to list her friends who are thin.

it brought back so many memories, in little flashes, of times when i felt down about my weight. i talked to her a bit, but it was obvious she was over-tired and just letting it all out. i told her to lie down on the couch (knowing full well she would promptly fall asleep, which she did).

now i wonder how to proceed from here. she really has a lot against here, genetics-wise. it's the lovely mcgrath genes. they are hard to battle. also, if she has pcos like i do, it could be a battle that she simply cannot win. i don't know when we can find out about that, but i watch her constantly and wonder. i think i need to get back into my exercise routine and have her join me, like it or not. once the adrenaline bug hits her, she might stick with it. it does not help that her dad is rail-thin and seems to think it's an easy thing to be... um, yeah. simple. exhole!

as i listen to her breathing, i pray that she will find a way to accept her body as the one God gave her, thin or not. I might also seek out someone with whom she might enjoy running or exercising. Gotta put some thought into that one.

in the meantime, i feel so bad for her. she is almost 11, heading straight into puberty and mean girls and body changes and pimples and being fat. ugh. God, give her strength and awareness that it's not about looks, but what is in her heart. and give me strength to continue to be the shoulder she cries on.

a knit wit...

so i have been knitting hats like crazy for a few days. i have made four, with two more already in progress. i seem to be able to make one in about 3 hours if i am uninterrupted (which is hard during the week). they are very portable, tho. i took my knitting bag to my doctor's appointment today. managed to get through quite a few rows before i was called back, and more once i had the little gown thingy on.

i have discovered i missed my knitting horribly. it really does reduce my stress level. although it was discovered today that i now have high blood pressure. i guess i need to knit more. lol

after posting pics of the hats, i was inundated with comments of adoration. guess i found a winner! i have even sold two hats and a pair of mittens already. not bad for a day's work! LOL

my plan, which is not set in stone, is to make 10 or so hats, then start in on mittens and/or purses. i need to build my stock back up. it was greatly depleted last christmas (which is an awesome thing). once i have a good amount of things made, i can start selling again at craft shows. i also take special orders, which i prefer, because then it's a guaranteed sale!!! yay! lol

a vent...

ok, on a related to health issue subject, i would like to vent. i love facebook...have already established that. when i was feeling crappy on monday, i posted as such. as things became more serious, i continued to post. then there was one reply that just stopped me in my tracks. this person said something like, "You really don't need to worry because they would never have sent you home if it was serious." Now, i am mis-quoting, i am sure. but that was the gist of it.

now, two reasons this stopped me short... first of all, it shows that the person posting does not seem to care that i am stressed out, only that THEY know better and would like me to shut up about it already. secondly, once upon a time, my niece was taken to the hospital with an unexplained illness. they sent her home and she died the next morning. so don't tell me that being sent home means there is no need for concern. ok?

this has happened before. i think this is often when you figure out who the real friends are. i was also suffering with a then-unexplained illness. by the time they figured out what was up, i was in the hospital and waiting for emergency surgery to get rid of a gall bladder that was FILLED with stones. i was in some intense pain and scared out of my mind. i had a 9 month old baby and two toddlers...not ready to face my own mortality.

a friend found out i had been in the hospital and called. when i told her what had happened, she said, "Oh, my aunt had that. you'll be fine." she then went on to turn change the subject to something about her. no acknowledgement of my feelings or that i had just been through some crap. nope.

i have never said anything to the friends i have mentioned, because i really don't see the value. some people are just like that. and if they read this, they would probably agree with me... "Man, friends like that suck!" without ever recognizing their own rude behavoir.

ok, done venting. you can go back to your regular lives now :D

health issues, update

i would love to say that they have figured everything out. unfortunately, i cannot. four days into this, i have had blood drawn 5 times and an iv... my arm is starting to resemble that of an iv drug user!

so far, they have ruled out: pulmonary embolism (or any blood clots anywhere); heart disease; lung issues. now they are on to gastro-intestinal issues. one of the things they are testing for is called h pylori. google it. who knew that so many of us live with this little bacteria in us all the time!

i still feel equally crappy. the drugs they gave me for the pleurisy did NOTHING. so they stopped those. now i am taking some really strong heart-burn type stuff. at least this time they had samples to give me. that other stuff i had to pay for, and now i don't even need it! grrr
is there a black market for that stuff??? LOL

my GED students have been great about my limited mobility. i had lots of them everyday. this group of about 8-10 students seem a bit more motivated than my previous crew. i'm so glad. i hate having to force it on them. i still have a fair amount of smart asses, but i don't mind. they keep things fun and interesting.

health issues

so yesterday, i woke up with some tightness in my chest. it was not like anything i have had before. i also had a bit of soreness in the same area. i did not put much thought into it, tho. i generally tend to ignore my own body's signals for too long.

after being at work for a bit, it occurred to me that chest pain, in general, is bad. so i decided to call the medical expert in my life ~ my mommy. i told her what i was feeling and asked for an opinion. she asked if i felt i needed to go to the er... i said no (i always say no). she said that if i did not feel better after work, then maybe i should go to the er.

i thought about it for a bit and decided to call my doctor. i got an appointment for yesterday afternoon. i can tell you now that they must have 'squeezed me in' because i waited for over 45 minutes. oh well.

so he did an exam, listened to my heart and such and suggested a few different possible things to check for. they did an eeg, which was normal. they also took blood. my doc felt that it was possibly one of three things: a pulmonary embolism; an infection of one of the membranes around my heart; pleurisy. fun, eh?

yeah, so he started me on meds for pleurisy. i went to the hospital for a chest x-ray. i am now waiting for a call from the same hospital that says i should come in for a cat scan. they, in turn, are waiting for approval from my insurance company. more fun...

in the meantime, i am at work because my boss is on vacation all week. i have not relayed any of this to him (via text) because i want him to enjoy his vacation and not think about work. hopefully i won't need to tell him anything. maybe it will all be resolved before he gets back. though, i gotta say, i feel like shit. i can't take a deep breath which makes me feel really tired.

facebook

people tease me all the time because of the amount of time i spend on facebook. i know it is an absurd amount. i admit it. freely! but i don't really have any desire to change it.

i spent a lot of my life feeling alone. lonesome. lonely. all by myself. a lot of it, or at least for a while, it was a self-imposed loneliness, caused by my complete lack of self-esteem. too afraid to ask for anyone's friendship. too timid to try and reach out. convinced i was less than others. so sad. so lonely.

here i am, now very strong, very self-confident (most days) and quite joyful about my life. and when i have those very rare moments where i start to feel alone, i can jump on FB and chat away, or read about what other people are doing, or just play games. whatever. but loneliness is really not on my horizon any more.

i am also amazed at who is a 'friend' of mine on FB... some of these people never seemed to have the time for me in high school or college. but they seemed so eager to 're-connect.' if you know me, you realize i am not one to hold a grudge (though i also don't forget). so if they wanna be my friend now, i'm okey-dokey with it.

a really cool side-effect of FB is discovering the things that i have in common with those i had not necessarily known that well. people who also have autistic children or who also love tattoos; other single parents or those who enjoy the same movies; people who love or hate president obama; those who adore pittsburgh and those who see it as a hole. i am learning so much from my time online and on FB.... why on earth would i want to stop?

when i first graduated from bethany, i used to sent letters to friends. i would spend hours writing to them, hoping to hear from them back. it would be weeks or longer before i would get updates and find out what people were up to. now i can find out almost instantly. i have found friends who had become 'lost' to me. i have re-connected with my very first (best) friend. and we can pick up right where we left off..... sharing memories and getting to know each other all over again.

ok, so my point is... don't bother telling me to cut back on my FB time. it's not gonna happen. yes, when i go away for a week, i am off of it... and i survive. but otherwise, you will see checking in all day, every day. because i like it! so there! ;)

the dentist

Louisa and Amelia have dentist appointments today. In the past, we have always gone to dr. griffin in Oakmont. Unfortunately, our insurance changed, so their dentist had to change. All three girls are on CHIP, so our choices were limited. Actually, we had no choices.

Mia is not too comfortable right now. We have yet to actually see anyone. We registered with our insurance info, and now we are in the waiting room. She just said, ‘I don’t feel too good about this, mom. What if it hurts?’ I tried to assure her that it is not going to hurt. It is just a cleaning. But this is my miabug. She knows what she knows. She has had dental work in the past: pulled teeth and cavaties. No way to snow her. And the poor thing inherited my teeth… too soft and full of little crevices that tend to attract cooties.

Louisa is just impatient. Her appointment was at 1:30. Right now, it is 1:45 and no one has spoken to us yet. I checked in with the receptionist, but apparently they are still not ready for us.

Mia just said, “I’m really not feeling good about this, mom. Bad feeling. Bad feeling.”

There is only one other child in the waiting room. Don’t quite know what the hold up is, but it is a teaching hospital, so I suppose it could be anything. On the way here, Louisa asked what it meant that it was a teaching hospital. I said that meant that the doctors and dentists there are mostly students, learning how to be doctors and dentists. In her mind, that was really cool. In my mind, I am thinking that they better know what the h--- they are doing!

Mia has her nose buried in a Highlights magazine. It reminds me of my days as a kid, waiting to see my doctor, reading Highlights. Have you looked at one lately? Not much has changed after all these years. There are still the hidden pictures and the Goofus/Galant cartoons. Pick one up sometime and enjoy the little voyage to your childhood....

tattoos

so my students and i are discussing tattoos today. i love tattoos. i have three. they really are addicting.

i got my first tattoo three years ago. i was spending a few days with my friend, kim, in upstate NY. so we ended up at a tattoo place...she to get a belly button ring. i had wanted a tattoo for years but could never get up the nerve. then i saw a huge display of designs and, on impulse, went for it.

at the time, lawrence and i were in complete turmoil. the marriage was heading south fast, and i was clinging hard to both my faith and an eternal hope that i would not end up divorced. so i chose a chinese character that (the guy said) meant "faithful." (i later went online and was able to verify that it did mean that, as opposed to 'stupid white woman gets tattoo') i got the tattoo above my right breast. it hardly hurt at all...

my next tattoo was one i thought long and hard about. i even came up with my own design. it was a cross with my girls' names in it. when i took the design to the tattoo artist, though, he said that the only way i could get that design was if he enlarged it HUGE so that the words would not bleed together... so i rethought my plan. i ended up with a celtic cross on my right shoulder.

my third tattoo also involved a trip to a tattoo place with a friend. dawn wanted a tattoo on her foot. i had seen designs online that i really liked called ambigrams. they are designs that have words going in both directions... i chose one that says 'faith' one way and 'hope' the other. it runs down my spine, next to the cross.

all three of my tattoos are about my jebus-ness. i consider them an outward expression of my internal feelings. i want more, too. tattoos really are addictive. i still want one that incorporates my daugthers' names. i also want one with my favorite bible verse: “Where your treasure lies, there will your heart be also” – Matthew 6:21

so that's the story with my tattoos. they are a big part of me.....you don't have to like them, but know that i do!!!

my faith

so i find myself surrounded lately by a lot of people who are not necessarily of the same mind as i am when it comes to christianity. having grown up in a sort of catholic-vacuum, it has taken me most of my life to come around to the idea that is ok that everyone does not think the same. it was not that long ago, believe it or not, that i was darn-near fundamental in my beliefs. but even that has changed with the introduction of a harsh reality, post-divorce. it is hard to be an idealist when reality is screaming at you, relentlessly.

as i discuss with those in my life, on facebook and in person, all issues jebus-related, i must control my impulse to fall back into old habits. once upon a time, i would jump on a soap box and start spouting Biblical truths (or at least what i thought to be such). that was sometime before i had children. is it not amazing what children do to your own beliefs?

now i am much more open-minded. do i care if you are gay? nope. do i mind spending time with those who are agnostic or athiestic? nah. will i debate religion? only if you want to.. i'm not looking for an argument here. we are who we are, all created in God's image, by God, for God and of God. the details are things each person is gonna have to work out when the day comes for them to end their time on earth and move on to the next life.

and i hope i don't offend with calling Jesus 'jebus.' it is because jay is always referring to me as his jebus-freak. if you have ever watched the Simpsons on Fox, then you know that Homer calls Jesus "jebus." i love the absolute lack of understanding that the word implies coupled with my undying passion. Makes it all the more joyful. I am a Christian. a joyful jebus freak!!!

gonna give this a try

first of all, i don't like to capitalize anything when i am typing. just a warning. if it annoys you. well.... it's my blog! LOL

i have started following a few friends on their blogs, and thought it would be nice to have a journal like that to look back on and such. i used to keep journals a million years ago, but i have never enjoyed writing things out long-hand. so this might be the way to go.

what will my blog be about? i suppose it will be a combination of rants and raves from my life. from work. from home. from life. from love. you get it, right?