so, he dumped me...

i suppose that is harsh. he broke up with me? he said i could do better.... said i give so much and he does not deserve it. i dunno what to say. so i was loving someone beneath me? excuse me if i don't agree.

here's the rub. i can't fight for him. i can't. i fought for 5 years for a marriage that died. i don't fight. it hurts too damn much.

all i want is to be someone's priority. i want someone to want to be with me. but i come with so much baggage. i know that. i am not easy to love.

i can't say that i blame him. it just reinforces all the negative things i secretly believe about myself. *sigh*

on my mind....

so my mommy is going to have to have surgery. now, you may wonder about a person, me, who is almost 40, still calling my mother, 'mommy.' but she is my mommy. she is absolutely my heart. and it is kinda scaring me a bit to think that she is mortal. yeah, total denial.

my mom has been dealing with spinal stenosis for years. but it has become quite debilitating. she can barely stand or walk now. it causes her a great deal of pain and her lower legs and feet are numb most of the time. surgery is going to be the only option to give her mobility back.

she has an appointment tomorrow with the neurosurgeon. i will find out after that when she will be having the surgery. it is a matter of practicality for me in one way, as she has been my childcare for a while. when she is in the hospital and after i will need different child care. but besides that, this is my MOMMY we are talking about! i talk to her every day. do you understand? every. day. period. everyday. seriously. so all this reality in my face right now is just not appreciated. i would much prefer to believe that she is going to live forever. or at least as long as i live. *sigh*

so please please please say some prayers for my mommy. ok? i need her to be ok, as i am sure she and my dad do too.

blogging

i suppose one of the ironies of this blog is that there are many times i think of things i want to write about, but have no access to my computer. then there are other times when i am stuck here, in front of the blasted thing for hours, and my mind goes blank. yup. ironic...

i could blog about our girls' weekend in michigan (which was lovely, thank you) or about the progress i am making with the hats (i have a dozen made) or about the trials and tribulations of single mom-dom (that would take years). decisions, decisions...

instead, i would like to blog a bit about music. everyone i know has their own unique taste in music. they might share some favorites with others, but everyone has their own quirky things that they adore for no explanable reason what so ever. don't we? and we also usually have those songs that we REALLY love, but that we NEVER admit are our favs... those guilty pleasures.

i have a fairly tame taste in music. i love 80s music. love pop. love dance stuff that makes me want to move... i love alternative stuff from the 80s...not so much from today. though i can really get into a good Breaking Benjamin song. unlike many of my friends, though, i do not like the hairbands from 'back in the day' and i can't stand what i call 'screaming music'.... my ex loved that stuff. bleck.

i can also appreciate classical music, show tunes, classical country (nothing too twangy tho) and even some hip hop and rap. one of my absolute current favs is john legend. the man has a voice that truly inspires and moves me. i can feel the emotion in his songs. and yet i have many friends who just roll their eyes or out-right tell me they can't stand him. to each their own, i guess.

one of the best things i have found to enjoy music during the day is pandora. if you have not yet discovered it... go to pandora.com .... you can create your own music station by listing either your favorite songs or favorite artists. then they play other artists and songs of the same 'type.' it's great. (it helps to have more than one account, though... they cut you off after 40 hours/month)

so what about you? what do you listen to? are there things you love that no one else will listen to? are there artists that you secretly adore but would never say so to anyone you know? know what? it's ok. we all do :D